Really?

Sometimes I want to be a stay-at-home mom.

And then I have days like yesterday and I remember that I'm not tough enough.

I brought Jack into the bathroom with me like I usually do to take a shower. I get the garbage out of reach, bring some toys in (although he prefers to play peek-a-boo with the shower curtain and play with tampons), and close the door to prevent escape. We were both doing our thing and I closed my eyes for the ten seconds it takes me to rinse out the conditioner and when I opened them, there is my darling boy standing in the tub with me. In his pajamas. Awesome. He stealthily climbed into my shower fully clothed and diapered. So I had to strip him down and finish my shower with him screaming at me to hold him, as he doesn't really like being in the shower.

After I got both of us dried off and myself wrapped up in a robe that doesn't fit (more on that later), I took him to his room to get dressed. Upon completion, I started picking up stray objects only to turn around and see him standing on the rocking chair knowing that any second he'd fall and kill himself. So I get him down and continue my cleaning and when I turn around again, he's digging in the dirty diaper pail. Gross.

After we get that all sorted out, I shut his bedroom door and took him into the living room to play with his toys while I attempted to put myself together. I came out after a few minutes and noticed he was eating something. A stray Cheerio or graham cracker, you ask? No, it was orange and rather stringy. That's when I realize that he's been chewing on our old orange chair that needs to be reupholstered desperately.

Are you kidding me? All of this happened in a fifteen minute time span and I'm running around in a robe that keeps falling off my shoulders and won't stay tied. (There's an image you wanted in your head.) It was like having twins and a puppy at the same time.

We eventually get out the door, because, as my mom advised I "just needed to get into to public. I'll be nicer to him in public." We went to the library for a little play group. It was our first time attending and I didn't know what to expect. There really wasn't much to it, just other moms and their little kids. Jack was the only boy. Consequently, he was the only kid who didn't sit nicely by his mama and play gently. Oh, no. He was the screeching kid running at full hilt who was throwing little plastic balls all over the place. That's my little gentleman. He actually wasn't being naughty, just energetic.

But then he saw it. A stroller that wasn't his. A stroller he could easily climb. Did I mention he's a climber? Yeah, he climbs everything. So for a while, I let him climb the thing. He wasn't hurting anything, mostly just sitting in the seat. Then he decided to stand up. Not okay. So I pulled him off of it over and over again. Every time he squealed and ran right back to it. Then I tried facing it toward the wall and dropping the tray to make it more difficult to climb into it. No good. He just crawled right over that tray and screamed some more when I dragged him off of it. So charming.

It was one of those times when you feel that all the other moms are wondering why I can't get control of my obnoxious child and why I let him act like such a brat. But that's the thing, he's not a brat. He gets lots of loving, firm and consistent discipline. He's almost always well-behaved. But if there is something to climb, dang it, he's going to climb it. End of story.

So, to all you stay-at-home moms, nice work. I really look up to you. And you deserve a break once in a while. And contrary to what you may be thinking, I really do love my little terror fiercely. He's great fun. He just drives me nuts sometimes.

The Post I've Been Avoiding

I said in my last post that I'd explain my (very) prolonged absence from the blogging world. I wish I wouldn't have because then I wouldn't have to try to put to words all this stuff that's been swimming in my head and heart. And also Sarah Culver wouldn't be bugging me to post again. But I did say that so here it goes:

I gave up blogging for Lent. I know what you're thinking: Lent ended months ago. It's time to get back in the saddle. But the whole process didn't quite work the way I intended. I wanted to have this beautiful spiritual experience wherein my abstaining from blogging and all other social-network type things would give me the chance to really draw closer to God and become wrapped up in Him. It didn't work that way.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't rejected my faith and become some sort of demon-worshipping heathen who sacrifices small animals, but it just wasn't what I wanted. Of course, it's my fault. Instead of taking my normal blogging time to hang out with Jesus and really dive into the Word, I found other things to do. There were always laundry or dishes or Office episodes just calling my name. And those voices seemed to be louder than His. At least, I chose to listen to those voices more often.

I did try sometimes and I don't know about you, but I've never been a great pray-er. You know how there are some people who seem to just melt into prayer as if it's totally natural to them, as if it's what they were meant to do? I'm not one of them. I know I'm meant for constant communication with my God but sometimes my mind just drifts and eventually I'm planning the next week's math lessons or making a mental grocery list. So needless to say, I was pretty discouraged when Lent ended and wasn't looking forward to the prospect of explaining my absence from my blogging. But I also know that part of really sinking into communication with God is being honest. This is a start.

Nate and I recently took a class at church about Wesley's Three Simple Rules (how Nazarene are we?? I'm almost embarrassed!) This class really challenged me. The rules aren't simple at all: Do no harm, Do good, and Stay in love with God. If you really start thinking about them, it can get your head spinning. I mean, how do you never do any harm? What if it's unintentional? What if you think you're doing good and actually doing harm? What about corporate harm? Yikes!

So we finally got to the Stay in Love with God part and I have to admit, this didn't excite me as much initially. I tend to shy away from the really personal parts of Christianity. I love discussing how to be a Christian in community and what it truly means to show love to all, even non-Christians or those we don't agree with. I have a terrible tendency to get all wrapped up in the politics and socio-economic facets of it. Terrible. That's not what it's about, really.

When we started talking about different acts of devotion like worship, prayer, communion, fellowship, etc I saw things differently, especially prayer. I realized that I don't have to do those long, drawn out, churchy prayers. I don't have to use a formula. I can just be and if I drift, God still loves me. I also learned a new way to keep myself in focus: I say over and over again "Lord have mercy; Christ have mercy" and instead of praying words for every situation, I pray mercy over all these situations through images. It's so simple and yet so transforming. Praying for mercy in all circumstances truly changes my motives. I'm praying for God's will and grace in all.

This isn't to say that I've got the whole praying thing figured out. I'm still working on it and there are lots of times that I have to force myself to put everything else aside and just spend time with my Creator. 'Cause I need His mercy too.